I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
