Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
