I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
