i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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