Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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