you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
