My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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