if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
