If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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