so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
