Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
