I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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