I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
