I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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