If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
