..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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