So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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