So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
