I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
