I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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