I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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