She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
