A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
