i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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