Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
