Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
3pm strippers are depressing
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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