who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
