i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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