so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
