What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
