I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
