I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
