$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
