I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
