swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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