He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
