Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
