I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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