Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
