I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
