You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
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