I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
