she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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