I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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