Only a mothe r could love this liver
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
