he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
