dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
