No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
