well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
God, I missed his penis.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
