meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
