I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Randomize
