Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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